To be human

Dear God, you made a beauty but at what cost

about how to live, about living, about choosing how to live

I believe we're born with impulses, we're born with instincts, some things are inherent, emotions are already there before we realize our place in the world and the labels we have to carry, the people we have to be, it's all a construct but a construct we can't live without, we rely on this dogma, we need rules, how else would we function

''I furnished life to my taste, salvations...

Dear Lord, please forgive us for all the sins we have brought upon us and look down upon us with forgiveness for the sins we will have in the future. I know you understand that niggas ain't perfect, but we try lord. We try to keep our heads up in bad times. This is a bad time, show us the way and if you can't show us the way, then forgive us for being lost.''

About feeling lost, like Siddhārtha Gautama i feel like life is suffering, at specific ages, i realized specific things, when i was 15 my uncle died, he was my first real encounter with death, my brain couldn't translate it, i thought he moved to a different planet but i never understood what death really meant. in life, I've had to teach myself a lot of things when i was 17 i first experienced true heartbreak, the boy i thought loved me was just playing games, he didn't see me the way i saw him, he lied and deceived me. the things that stick with me are usually the bad ones, life has confused me, it seems pointless sometimes, they are so many rules, people fight for rights because other people can't fathom change, we live in a cycle, sometimes people break or defy them and they are the ones history remember, the world has been rotating for a very long time, people have lived and died, always learning a lesson, always gaining or losing things, always equating darkness with light, what if darkness just was, nothing is certain. change, I fear change most of all, it's the only constant variable, sometimes i wonder why i have these thoughts, why my mind wanders more than others, why i find a bit of joy in tragedy, why I'm always uncertain.

There's no rule book, why do we have to live? why do we have to exist? what's the bigger plan? is there a bigger picture? are we just chaos? i wish i could ask God questions, why do we need something? why does it feel like an endless game? why do we have to undergo pain to find pleasure, why do we have to forget pleasure to feel peace?

About love, I can't say much on this, I'm still figuring this one out...

Right now, i feel lost in life, I feel defeated by life, the only thing i know to be true is kindness, my head is more buried in philosophy and finding the meaning of life but what if there's no meaning, i know religious books give us insight but I need things that relate directly to my life, something that helps on a day to day, something that gives me peace.

I'm alive so I'll

live.